Saturday, January 26, 2013

Winter Blues

It's that time of year again. The weather has been too cold to go outdoors for any period of time. Even driving in the car requires a mad dash to start the car, and let it warm up while waiting in the house.

After about a month of this I start getting really depressed. Even the sun doesn't make me feel better. When I lived in California, seeing the sun meant it was going to be a nice day to be outside. Here, in the Midwest, seeing the sun in January likely means the temps are in single digits. Almost more depressing than cloudy days.

I haven't been able to ride my horses for over a month because of the ice on the ground, and the dangerous low temps. Even though this means I have more time inside, I'm tired of being inside and suddenly hate everything about my house: the wall colors, furniture, how clean it is (or isn't).

I have yet to come up with a solution to this dilemma. I've tried reading, meditating, and even shopping. The shopping just makes me feel worse, because I also decide that I'm too poor to afford to even go grocery shopping. I'll dig through the canned goods to be sure I'm not wasting anything. I avoid going in public, and start panicking because I'm sure I won't have enough money to pay my mortgage.

I'm delusional, and I know this. My state of mind is completely ridiculous, and I know this. But I'm at a complete loss as to how to snap out of it. Since I've been through this for the last 17 years, I know it's coming and I've tried to stave it off by planning a vacation to sunnier weather, and this doesn't even work. Anti-depressants? Ha, I'm already there.

The best thing to come out of the "winter blues" is that I start to purge. Room by room, I dig through everything we own and purge unused items. The Goodwill stores probably hate to see me coming, because I inundate them with stuff. Stuff is all it is, and many items are brand new, never opened. So far I've listed 45+ books on half.com and listed 1000s of glass beads on eBay. The rest gets donated. I always hope this will help my mood and until I completely burn out, it does.

Writing helps, as I get to dive into a fantasy world where the sun is shining, and I'm in complete control. But at a certain point, I don't even want to write, because I'm a fraud, I don't know how to write, and whatever made me think I could.

Exercise would be great, if I could muster enough give a shit to get out of bed, or my chair, or whatever.

In the end, I know I'll snap out of it, and I'll be back to me again soon. And while I'm in this mood, I take an extensive inventory of me, making me a more aware individual on the other side.

Have you ever experienced the winter blues?

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